Carl Marcellino

Confused about New York State Senator Carl Marcellino of Long Island? We are here to help – which, according to many of his Fifth District constituents , is a heap more than Carl has done for them. Except perhaps the hedge fund investors who funneled hundreds of thousands of dollars into their efforts to push charter schools. Carl Marcellino is one of the five politicians who’ve raked in their PAC’s donations. That’s what you call targeting.

Carl Marcellino is a Republican who has been busily holding back social progress in the New York State Senate for twenty-three years. In 2011, he voted against the Marriage Equality Act . It eventually passed, but Carl Marcellino did his small part to retard progress and keep inequality rolling. Rumors persist that his pectoral region hemispheres are consecutively tattooed (left to right, onlooker’s perspective) “Retard Progress” and “Keep Inequality Rolling,” but these are unsubstantiated as of press time. No reward is offered, either. In fact, we should all try right now to stop thinking of any such image. And perhaps concentrate on the fact that Marcellino and the NYGOP, in a politically-convenient marriage with the insurance industry and the registered lobbyists for The New York State Catholic Conference , are blocking the Child Victims Act. The Child Victims Act is legislation to help child sex abuse survivors get justice. It would extend the statute of limitations over past crimes.

Less than 10% of New Yorkers join Carl Marcellino in opposing this bill. Which leaves a lot of people – the kind of people who think democracies should generally honor the will of a supermajority of its citizens and also think sex abusers should be driven from the priesthood – unhappy, right?

Carl Marcellino may sometimes be confused with, and quite possibly perplexed by, Muzzy Marcellino (pictured above). The latter may not have been related to Carl, and would likely not have mentioned it if he was, though you never know. Muzzy Marcellino served as musical director for Art Linkletter’s perennial-favorite television show, People Are Funny . He played guitar and was also famous for his clear and precise whistling, which graced the soundtrack of The Mickey Mouse Club. You can check this on IMDB .

Carl Marcellino is not on IMDB, and not widely recognized for whistling skills, though he has been known to aimlessly hum along with the GOP party line (a composition which generally leads either backwards or nowhere, variously). But music is closely related to poetry, and Carl Marcellino very, very recently “liked” a tweet which said that the pipe bombs being mailed to Trump’s critics by a rabid Trump fan were “sort of poetic.” After folks pointed out to Carl that murdering political opponents isn’t actually a tradition to be proud of, he “unliked” the act of domestic political terrorism.

A GOP mouthpiece sought to use Carl’s age as an excuse. “The Senator’s no Millennial” said Candice Giove, “GOP Senate Spokeswoman” and enabler. (As an aside, if Ms. Giove and/or a Millennial enabled Carl Marcellino to get , this webpage would look rather different.)

But where were we - ah bombs, poetic, no - we’re guessing that real Americans of all ages saw in the bomber’s attempted carnage an example of evil or insanity, more so than poetry.

Even more confusing in regards to Carl Marcellino is that his non-brother Muzzy Marcellino is a different person than Milton “Mezz” Mezzrow (pictured above), the third subject of our disambiguation attempt.

Mezz Mezzrow was a jazz clarinetist from Chicago. He also excelled in the annals of early American pot dealing: At one time hipsters used “Mezz” as a synonym for cannabis.

Carl Marcellino has no known connection to pot dealing – and we have no wish to imply otherwise. It’s just that, if discovered to be true, pot consumption might explain the loud shirt Carl wears in his favorite photo – a farmed-salmon-colored number paired with an aggressively striped red-and-silver tie (pictured below). But this sartorial habit may simply indicate that Carl desires to look like a leading South Jersey used-car salesman, not that he got dressed while tripping. Which is neither here nor there, since what’s truly important is how does this clown vote?

For example, when a bill came along to make it easier for women to obtain birth control, Carl made sure that it never reached the floor . However, he fully backed a bill that would have sent doctors to jail for providing safe abortions in cases of rape, incest, or when a mother’s life was at risk. But then, “the Senator’s no millenial.”

And no friend of women either ,it would seem. Just a guy with a warm spot in his heart for pervs who force sex on kids . A guy with a giant blind spotwhere suffering and justice are concerned.

Mezz Mezzrow released a 1946 autobiography, Really the Blues. It was loaded with hipster slang. Carl has never been loaded with hipster slang, as far as we know. So, basically, between all three guys, you assign all the musical and/or hipster stuff to either Mezz Mezzrow or Muzzy Marcellino – except for Carl Marcellino’s incessant and annoying humming of the GOP party line. Which hardly counts as music, but there you have it.

Carl Marcellino’s backwardness on social issues, though, has really given lots of Long Islanders the blues. Just not in the kind of way that might make anyone want to sing and dance.

The most meaningful way to clear up any lingering Carl Marcellino Confusion would be to vote for people who don’t think childhood sexual abusers should be a protected species, or that birth control should be hard to access, or that assassination has a “poetic” quality.

Because with the option to vote for people like that, Carl Marcellino is a relic not worth keeping.